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****A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s****She changes it more often.
****No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
****I don’t have a bank account because I don’t know my mother’s maiden name.
****I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.
****Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
****I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
****Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.
****Thinking is one thing no one***has ever been able to tax.
****My life needs editing.
****Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.
****Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.
****I never said most of the things I said.
****If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.
****Reality continues to ruin my life****
****If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.
****I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
****All men are equal before fish.
****I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
****If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
****TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
****If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
****I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.
****I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.
****If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
3****There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.
****As for our majority… one is enough.
****I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
****We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.
****Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark.
****I love to go to switzerland – if only to be near my m
****I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
****Include me out.
****One man is as good as another until he has written a book.
****I saw a stationery store move.
****Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
****Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.
****Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.
****I know my strong points: I work hard, I have talent, I’m funny, and I’m a good person.
****To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
****You can’t really be strong until you see a funny side to things.
****47. It’s hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.
****I always just wanted to be funny. I never really planned to be scary.
****If something is shocking without being funny it’s hard to justify.
****I have no agenda except to be funny. Neither I or the writers profess to offer any worldly wisdom.
****You know what’s funny to me? Attitude.
****If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that’s what I’d be~~because monkeys are funny and lions are strong.